In the pursuit of learning, every day something is acquired.
In the pursuit of Tao, every day something is dropped.

Less and less is done.
Until non-action is achieved.
When nothing is done, nothing is left undone.

The world is ruled by letting things take their course.
It cannot be ruled by interfering.

Tao Te Ching

Monday, June 20, 2011

Book Review - Alfie Kohn Unconditional Parenting


Hi Everyone,

Today I am reviewing Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting.

Kohn has written over 12 books and many articles including
Punished by Rewards and Beyond Discipline: From Compliance to Community. He has been a long time advocate for limiting standardized testing and empowering children in their relationships by treating them with respect through loving, authentic interactions.

Unconditional Parenting was the first of Kohn's books that I read and I freely admit that it turned my assumptions around children and parenting upside down.

Kohn proposes that rewards and praise are a way to manipulate children to comply to our agenda for them.

My interpretation of Kohn's message in this book is that with love, we traditionally assume that offering praise will cause a child to
do the right thing. However, Kohn believes that children are naturally pre-disposed to make healthy choices (most of the time) if we trust them and deal honestly with them in a manner appropriate to their age.

For example, if a child paints a picture of a building, rather than give a value judgement such as
'wow, what a great picture' (whether the child has invested a lot of effort or very little). Instead, we could share a genuine appreciation for the work such as....'I like how this building contrasts with the sky', or simply hang up the painting and allow the child to draw his/her own conclusions about their work.

An experience I had at our local playground shortly after I read Unconditional Parenting gave me an amusing reminder of the concept of
overpraising to the degree that children cease to rely on their own perceptions of the world. The mother of a toddler was pushing her child on the baby swing and each time the child swung back she would say 'good swinging'...I almost felt like patting this loving mother on the back and chiming in 'good pushing' as she was doing all the work, and I know I have done similar things with good intentions many times.

This experience allowed me a really clear picture of how we as parents can train our children to require positive feedback to feel that they're doing an okay job, rather than being self-referencing and secure as individuals.


Another important facet of this book is that children flourish when they are secure in the
knowledge that they are loved unconditionally. Kohn alleges that while we assume that because we feel unconditional love for our children, they will automatically know this as the truth, this is not always the case. Unless we relate our enduring love to our children verbally and with our actions, they may assume we only love them as long as they meet our approval.

This surprised me, and I wasn't convinced at first. However, since I have been employing the statement
'I love you and will always love you no matter what....and now let's look at what happened' at the beginning of each significant discussion, I am experiencing an incredible shift in the energy of my interactions with our children. Immediately the child knows they are safe in my love, and need not be on the defensive, allowing issues to be resolved much more quickly and satisfactorily.

I will add here that unconditional parenting does
not mean allowing children to do whatever they wish, whenever they wish. It does not mean allowing our children to disrespect others or run the household. It means not withdrawing our love and approval in an effort to change their behaviour, but working for a respectful exchange of wishes which are resolved in a win/win capacity for all parties.

Personally I really enjoyed reading
Unconditional Parenting, even though it challenged a few paradigms for me and gave me a bit of a jolt initially :) I believe that by following it's basic principles, I now enjoy a much more relaxed and enriching relationship with my family and feel extremely grateful for this.

Talk Soon Cynthia x

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Parenting Article "I Want It Now!"


Hi Everyone,

Following is a parenting article I found thought provoking, so I'm sharing it with you :)

Written by Scott Noelle, it proposes that while we often demand immediate action and acquiescence of our children, we don't always employ a lot of patience ourselves. Interesting reading which encourages us as parents to think about the choices we make in our interactions with children....

The inner process of creating requires two things: asking and receiving.

People often fail to get in a receiving mode because of its paradoxical nature. To receive what you want, you must be free not to have it. The longer you're willing to wait, the sooner it will come.

If your child is complaining about not having what s/he wants right now, s/he's stuck in the asking mode. Ironically, parents often exacerbate the problem by saying or thinking essentially the same thing: "I want the complaining to stop NOW!"

To help your child get in a receiving mode, model it: get in your own receiving mode about your child's receiving mode! :) How? Simply imagine your child happily anticipating the fulfillment of his or her desire.

As you deliberately enjoy that vision (even if your child is still complaining), you become the change you wish to see.

And when you demonstrate the receiving mode often, your child will eventually fall into it with you — naturally and willingly.

By Scott Noelle

Scott Noelle is a father of two, parenting coach, and the author of The Daily Groove: How to Enjoy Parenting... Unconditionally! Through his website, www.enjoyparenting.com, Scott offers a variety of inspiring and practical resources for leading-edge parents.


Copyright (c) by Scott Noelle. All Rights Reserved. Reprinted With Permission.

And for more on conscious parenting....next post I will review Alfie Kohn's book Unconditional Parenting.

Talk Soon, Cynthia x

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Find A Doula

Hi Everyone,

I want to mention an interesting doula website called find a doula.com

The site philosophy states that:


If a woman can birth with confidence and know that she has been given choice throughout her pregnancy and birth, she can have a better birth experience.

That’s why one Sydney doula set out to establish this website. Lucy Perry wanted to give Australian women lots of choice when it came to choosing the right doula for their family.

This site is completely independent and its services are entirely free.

The site features recommended books, videos, articles, and a range of other resources. Well worth a look if you're pregnant, planning on becoming pregnant or a doula yourself.

Talk Soon Cynthia x